I haven't been home for a while, it seems...

[laraflame]

... as in, I feel like a floating black hole that sucks in all the unpleasant things, sometimes. Other times, there are BTS and gay dramas to make me feel again.
The worst part about these last few years is that it's hard to tackle so many dark feelings and come out clean. This, or rather LJ and Meri used to be my safe spaces - I came back to them every day, I was excited to check how many new views my fics garnered and if there was a comment, or a new chapter to my fav stories uploaded. I translated at least a few paragraphs or chapters per week and it felt so great to post them. I used to be proud of my accomplishments and creations. I used to be... not productive, no, but creative and so full of stories to tell. So full of life and desire.

I want to feel proud again. I want to feel useful and intelligent again. I want to feel less like a disposable cog in the machine worrying to death every minute of my life, not finding refuge anymore in the things I love the most.

Alive.

This helplessness, like time slipping through ones fingers... Intolerable.

So, anyway, the Harry/Draco Owlpost was like, in last year's December. And sometimes my memory is so shitty that I don't even remember what I did for certain events/fests (or what I ate in the morning lol). As I enlightened myself with the almighty power of research (if the horrendous amounts of taxes I'm paying are definitely not coming back in the form of health fucking care at least I can do this) that's the millionth sign of having ADHD ft. Depression. Note to self and or society: try to maintain a level of Democracy where Google is still available.

So, here they are ---- my works for a ~ holiday fest ~ I was very happy to participate in, by the way.

(   Happy Pride month I guess ...? :]  )

see: next 5 posts

 

 

Comments

[writedragon]

I resonate with your feelings. I saw a meme the other day, something about "the boulder just keeps getting heavier", a reference to Sisyphus and his rock. To paraphrase a line from the latest Ms. Marvel episode, "When everything is broken, it's important to find beauty in the pieces." I hope you (and I) can continue to find beauty in the pieces, and hold onto that.

[laraflame]

Those are some perfect descriptions about this stage in our lives, I think. I've been looking for that lost beauty for quite a while now but finally it seems I stepped onto a better path to finding it...
From the bottom of my heart, I really hope that too! For both of us.
For all of us.